July 29, 2025
The Main Idea
Your child is always losing and forgetting things. Here’s how you can help without making it worse.
By Celia Harris and Penny Van Bergen, edited by Lisa Lock, reviewed by Andrew Zinin
The Problem Every Parent Knows
As school starts again, parents and teachers hear the same things over and over: “I can’t find my school sweater” and “I left my hat at home.” For parents of older kids, it’s even scarier when they lose their phones or leave laptops on the bus.
As parents, it’s easy to want to take over by packing your child’s backpack yourself, or texting older kids a list of things to remember every day.
But if you do everything for your child, you’re taking away their chance to learn how to remember things on their own.
What’s Going On Inside Their Growing Brain?
Our kids live busy lives and are always using and building their memory skills. They have to remember where they put things, learn new information, and remember the things they need to do every day.
One type of memory that’s really hard is called “prospective memory.” This means remembering to do things in the future.
Kids use this type of memory when they put down their water bottle at recess and have to remember to pick it up later, or when they get a note from their teacher and have to remember to show it to their parents after school.
Being good at prospective memory means lots of brain processes have to work together perfectly.
First, kids have to pay attention to what they need in a situation (like “I can’t play outside if I don’t have a hat”). Then they have to make a plan and remember it for later (like “I need to take my hat with me to school”).
Finally, they have to remember their plan at exactly the right moment (like grabbing the hat on the way out the door).
This “remembering to remember” means your memory has to work automatically at just the right time, without anyone reminding you.
All of these processes need something called “executive function.” This is your brain’s ability to control your attention and memory and to do hard thinking tasks.
Executive function tasks are really difficult, which is why lost water bottles and forgotten hats happen so often and are so frustrating for parents.
Even for adults, most everyday memory mistakes involve prospective memory.
Executive function develops slowly during childhood compared to other skills like language and playing. The part of the brain that controls executive function (called the prefrontal cortex) doesn’t fully grow up until early adulthood.
This means it’s totally normal for children to be forgetful – it’s just part of growing up. You probably forgot things a lot when you were a kid too (you just might not remember it now).
Do Some Kids Struggle More Than Others?
Yes, they do.
Children (and adults) are all different when it comes to executive function skills.
While all children get better at executive function as they grow up, this happens at different speeds. Some children might be more forgetful than other kids their same age.
One condition that’s especially connected to forgetfulness is ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder).
Children with the type of ADHD where they have trouble paying attention might be more likely to lose things and forget things during everyday activities like chores or errands.
Children with ADHD will still get better at prospective memory as they grow up, but they might be more forgetful compared to other children their same age.
How Can I Help My Kid?
DO build routines and stick to them. Research shows that routines help children develop thinking skills and self-control. Children remember routines best when they become automatic – when they’ve practiced them so much they can do them without thinking.
DO help them think about their own thinking. Research shows that children are too confident about how well they’ll remember things. Parents and teachers can help them notice when remembering is hard and come up with strategies to help.
DO show them the behavior you want to see. For example, you could make your own lists and strategies to help you remember daily tasks. You could also have a family routine of putting “bags by the door” and checking them the night before. Don’t do it for them – do it together.
DO get professional help if you’re worried. All children will forget sometimes, and some more than others. If your child is especially absent-minded or forgetful, it might be worth talking to a doctor or school psychologist. Conditions like ADHD have to be seen in more than one place (like home and school, or home and sports), and specific requirements have to be met. Getting a diagnosis can be helpful in getting support.
What Should I NOT Do – And Why?
Don’t expect kids to remember things on their own without help – that’s the hardest part of prospective memory! Instead, use checklists and memory helpers. For example, if they keep leaving their water bottle at school, you could put a tag on their bag that says “where is your water bottle?” Using reminders isn’t cheating – it’s helping them succeed.
Don’t worry too much about mistakes – they’re normal. One study with 3- to 5-year-old children found that even giving them food treats wasn’t enough to make them remember better. Punishing them probably won’t help either. Instead, use times when they forget as chances to learn – talk about how to do better next time.
Don’t wait until the last minute. Feeling anxious and stressed can make forgetting more likely, because children can easily feel overwhelmed. Pack bags the night before, practice new routines, and try not to rush when you can avoid it.
Don’t judge them. When people forget things, others sometimes think it means they have bad character, especially when it affects other people (like when they forget to return something they borrowed).
But understanding how memory works helps us see that forgetfulness is just a normal part of growing up.
Provided by The Conversation
